Heart Sick

I've been sick the past few days. Friday it started, but Sunday and Monday were the hardest days. Being sick is no fun, obviously, but that wasn't what really perturbed me those two days particularly. I didn't go to church because I didn't want to spread the yuck around anymore, so I didn't go to Prayer & Praise that evening either, then Monday I completely lost my voice for most of the day. I couldn't sing at all for two days straight! I wanted to lift up the songs that came into my mind, but if I tried, the coughing would force me to stop. Being rather isolated in my room all day Sunday and not being able to talk to much of anyone at school Monday hurt. However, the biggest struggle this sickness brought came on hard while I was in chapel. Starting with singing, the praise band lead songs I knew in chapel. I stood up initially with everyone else, but sat down within the first verse in an effort to suppress a cough. I sat, hunched over in my seat wishing I could stand and sing. I wanted it for myself. Then I realized. I was completely focused on my singing, not on lifting God up in praise, giving Him glory and honor. As those around me continued singing, I wrestled with my thoughts: why did I keep focusing on myself? why couldn't I give my voice to God, even when I had no control over it? where was my heart of worship? worship is from the heart, not the mouth. why couldn't I worship God without singing?
The conclusion of the matter was my realization of my complete selfishness, even in what I had supposed was worship to God; a renewed desire for God to control ever part of me thoroughly, wholly; and a simple plea to God to humble me more for His glory.